To Hammer Home a Point / The Paul Mara & Colton Orr Story...

Last night, the Philadelphia Phillies won the National League pennant. For all of you who are immeasurably bored by the sport of baseball (like I am), that means they are going to play in the World Series. (Technically speaking, shouldn't it be called the North American Series? Or the American and One Canadian Team Series?)

Of course, they whipped out the bubbly, and soaked everyone in the locker room with the best champagne that expensive tickets paid for.

For that reason alone, I hope they lose the World Series. Although, to be honest, Tampa Bay or Boston will do the same celebration when they clinch the American League pennant.

As Bryan said a few weeks ago, you shouldn't celebrate until you've won it all. You don't celebrate the right to play for a championship. You celebrate the championship itself. The Penguins, for as much as I was against them in the playoffs last year, didn't celebrate beeating the Flyers with Moet & Chandon and plastic-coated locker rooms. The Red Wings beat Dallas and knew they had more hill to climb before they could enjoy a celebration.

Remember when the Mets clinched the division title and came out on the field with a cigar in his mouth like he just had a newborn baby? He also held a sign gloriously above his head saying "2006 NL East Champs" with the zero's in 2006 replaced by Mets' symbols? How dumb do you think he felt when the Mets blew it in Game 7 of the NLCS?

I really don't have a point other than baseball is a self-serving, boring, overrated sport with a bunch of overgrown, overpaid children wearing tights. I really think the only reason people like it is because it's slow enough to watch. As a girl I know told me a few weeks ago, "It goes slow. I can follow it. Hockey is too fast."

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Paul Mara took an awful five-minute major last night. While I applaud his passion and his right to stand up for himself, I think the timing was off. Yes, this guy has now jumped up on him on two separate checks, one resulting in time on the IR. And yes, the guy is a punk trying to make a name for himself by injuring people. (Did anyone really know Darcy Tucker before he took out Michael Peca's knees in 2002?) However, it gave Buffalo two points.

However, that's the reason there are enforcers. As much as Sam and Joe and Dave Maloney tell us that his skating and stickhandling have improved tenfold, that's why Colton Orr is sitting on the bench. He shouldn't be fighting the other teams enforcer 3 minutes into the game. But when someone asks Mara "How's your face?" and then leaves his feet on a check, Mara should let it go, check him hard into the boards, then have Colton Orr destroy him on the next shift.

Tampa Bay Rays

So I was watching TBS a little while ago (sorry, Frank TV wasn't on) and watched the Tampa Bay Rays finish off the Chicago White Sox to win the American League Division Series. After recording the final out, the Rays rushed out of the dugout and started doing that thing where everybody jumps up and down and smacks each other on the head. After that, they retreated to the clubhouse for a champagne celebration.

Now, I'm happy for the Rays and all; seriously, who wouldn't be? This is a team that never even won 75 games in a season before this one, and yet they're now just four games from the World Series. They were left for dead while the arrogant fans of the Yankees and Red Sox proclaimed their overpriced teams as the best. And yet, Tampa Bay has had the last laugh; they'll be playing yet another $100 million payroll team in the ALCS despite having a payroll that roughly matches the combined annual wages of Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter.

Here's where I'm going with this. The Rays did a big celebration when they clinched a playoff spot. They did the same thing after clinching the AL East. Tonight, they did yet another celebration. That's three pileups on the mound. That's three champagne-soaked celebrations. And all the Tampa Bay Rays have done is win three lousy playoff games against a team that didn't even have a playoff spot until two days after the season ended.

Could you even imagine a hockey team acting like this? Let's pretend hockey players acted like baseball players. Let's rewind to last year's playoffs. The Montreal Canadiens have just defeated the Boston Bruins in the first round of the playoffs. It went seven games, but the top-seeded Habs came out victorious, almost in spite of themselves. Instead of congratulating their goalie and forming the traditional handshake line, they rush over to their goalie and mob him, jumping all over him in the crease. They skip the handshakes, then rush off to celebrate with their booze in the locker room, even though they've got a tough series against Philadelphia in two days. Never mind that the Canadiens had ten more points than Boston and probably should have beaten them in five games at the absolute max. They've got to have a party! After all, we need Fox Sports Montreal to be able to air their own post-game show in the contrived party so their quirky sideline reporter can be doused in champagne every two seconds.

Of course, the champagne-soaked spectacle is what TV wants. The handshake line, while extremely classy, doesn't get covered. Wait till the Red Sox win their series and ESPN jizzes all over themselves. You're going to see that damn celebration 8000 times over the next few days. Meanwhile, when a hockey team wins the right to play for the Stanley Cup and doesn't even crack a smile? Good luck finding highlights of that one.