Your 2009-10 New York Islanders Drinking Game, Version 1.0

When we first started this blog, one of our first posts was an Islanders drinking game. At the time we posted the game, the Islanders were a below-average team, but they were a far cry from the 30th overall team we saw last year. When your team is really bad, sometimes it can get tough watching the team play.

That's where we come in.

The 2009-10 New York Islanders should be a significant improvement over last year's team, but it doesn't necessarily mean they'll get better results. With this in mind, here's something to keep you interested. If nothing else, we hope it'll keep you laughing (and drinking), something much easier said than done with this team. We'll update this as it becomes necessary.

And away we go!

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ANNOUNCERS

Drink every time...

- Billy Jaffe stares into the camera with a creepy half-smile while Howie is talking

- Howie Rose or Billy Jaffe reference their listeners on the radio. Chug if they use the phrase "Out In Radio Land".

- A sponsored segment is introduced. Chug if it's a Panasonic Digital Replay.

- Howie or Billy makes a bad pun

- Howie states that coincidental minors "will not affect on-ice manpower"

- Howie dismisses a late-game penalty as "just bookkeeping"

- Billy says something that could be construed as homer-ish. Chug if Billy precedes it with something like "Not to sound like a homer, but..."

- Stan Fischler appears on the intermission report. Chug if he's the best-dressed member of the crew. Take an additional drink every time he says something that would best be described as "crotchety". Kill a beer if he goes out of his way to bash Sidney Crosby.

- Howie praises the Islanders' third uniforms

- Howie complains about the difficulty of the night's trivia question

- Howie or Billy mention crew members (i.e. statistician Eric Hornick, producer Larry Roth, etc.) during the middle of a game

- Billy begins a point by saying "Here's a guy..."

- Billy gives orders to the production truck during a replay (i.e. "Hold it right there", "OK, roll it")

- Billy or Howie compliments the camera crew for getting a particularly good shot

- Butch Goring wears a hideous suit

- Howie or Billy mentions Egg Levine

COMMERCIALS

Drink every time the following commercials air...

- Emblem Health

- Anything owned by Cablevision

- That damn Panasonic commercial with Ryan Sheckler

- Two Brothers Scrap Metal (PLEASE add this to your rotation, MSG Plus!)

- Coin Galleries of Oyster Bay

IN-GAME

Drink every time...

- Scott Gordon is wearing a tie that incorporates the Islanders' color scheme. Chug if his entire wardrobe is blue, white and orange.

- The crowd does a two-syllable chant in honor of a goalie (i.e. "D-P", "Roll-E", "Bee-Ron")

- Kyle Okposo takes a shot with one of his knees on the ice

- Jeff Tambellini does something that makes you curse aloud

- An opposing player dishes out a borderline hit. Chug if the Islanders don't bother to respond.

- An Islanders player is injured

- A Bridgeport Sound Tigers regular is called into duty to replace an injured player. Jeff Tambellini does NOT count as a Sound Tigers regular.

- The Islanders let up a goal while leading in the third period

- The camera gets a shot of a player taking a sip of water

- An Islanders goalie leaves the net to play the puck. Chug if it leaves him horribly out of position.

- A former Islander scores a goal against the Islanders

- The Islanders have more shots on goal than their opponents, but lose the game anyway

- The game goes to a shootout. Kill a beer if Brendan Witt is one of the Islanders' shooters.

The Isles Are On TV Tonight!!!!

Everyone probably knows this by now, but tonight's Isles-Devils game will be televised on MSG Plus! This is the first Isles-produced preseason game I can recall since a post-lockout game between the Islanders and Rangers, where every announcer for both teams piled into one big booth and said "You can't do that anymore!" about 50 times after penalties.

Anyway, while tonight's telecast is big news, it's not the purpose of this blog. We're in the process of updating the Islanders drinking game, which was one of our first ever posts and is in desperate need of a overhaul. If you find anything worth including, please leave a comment. Unfortunately, we won't have Howie Rose and his bad puns tonight, but Jiggs McDonald should be by to butcher a name or two.

Enjoy tonight's game! And don't forget to give us your most drink-worthy observations.

The 2009 Stanley Cup Playoffs Drinking Game

Hockey fans and boozehounds, rejoice! Even if your team isn't in the playoffs, you can still enjoy the playoffs like they're meant to be enjoyed. So grab a case of Labatt Blue, turn on some puck, and have fun! Feel free to comment with any rules we may have missed.

IN-GAME OCCURRENCES
Drink after each of the following:
- A player looks to the sky after the goalie makes a great save on him
- A skirmish breaks out after the whistle. Chug if it's after a goal is scored.
- A fight breaks out. Chug if the announcers mention how there's rarely any fighting in the playoffs.
- A player checks for blood after being high-sticked
- A player "takes exception" to a cheap shot taken at a star player
- A team sends its goons out to start a fight at the end of a game they're losing. Chug if the announcers mention "sending a message".

STUPID CAMERA TRICKS
Drink any time the following items are shown on screen:
- Commissioner Gary Bettman in a press box
- A head coach
- The Stanley Cup
- One of those stupid pre-game/commercial bumpers where players stare at the camera
- Versus promotes one of its shows below the score bug
- A local paper with an incendiary quote from a player
- A montage of previous playoff battles between these two teams

CLICHE ALERT!
Drink anytime an announcer says the following:
- "This is what playoff hockey is all about."
- "(name of team) can only go as far as (name of superstar) can take them."
- "Lord Stanley's Cup"
- "Your goaltender has to be your best penalty killer."
- "Win the one-on-one battles"
- "See who blinks first"
- "A hot goalie can take you far in the playoffs."
- "(name of coach) is shortening his bench."
- "(name of team) isn't just happy to be here. They want to win!"
- "(name of team) has the last line change."
- "Upper/Lower Body Injury"
- "All you young kids out there..."
- Any discussion about playoff beards
- Any reference to the referees "swallowing their whistles" late in a game
- Any reference to the new penalties for fighting

INTERMISSION REPORTS
Drink any time any of the following events happen:
- A guest analyst is present at the Versus studio. Chug if it's not Rick DiPietro.
- A pundit declares that a team must start "doing the little things"
- An analyst looks at the wrong camera
- A Canadian journalist floats an unsubstantiated rumor. Chug if it involves the Toronto Maple Leafs.
- An interviewed player is wearing a Versus/CBC towel

MISCELLANEOUS
- Kill a beer during each overtime period. Chug each time the announcers mention how there are no TV timeouts during playoff overtime.
- Drink every time the announcers mention how Ken Hitchcock is a Civil War buff.
- Drink every time reference is made to the Rangers' record with/without Sean Avery.
- Chug if Jack Edwards laughs maniacally at a vicious hit.
- Chug every time the following words are used: Economy, Bailout, Stimulus, Obama.
- Drink if the condition of the ice is discussed. Chug if a new sheet of ice was put down because of a concert the night before.

They Didn't Screw It Up!

I'm almost shocked.

The Islanders actually did the right thing. And quite frankly, we fans deserve the right to say that.

Is Scott Gordon an upgrade over Ted Nolan? That remains to be seen. But at this point, it would certainly seem that Gordon is a better fit for this group of players. I guess that's all you can ask for in a coach. The Islanders got that, and perhaps much more.

We can gather that the Islanders will end up paying Gordon less than they would have paid Paul Maurice or Bob Hartley. We can also assume that Gordon has more to prove than any other coach they could have hired. In other words, we don't have to hear about how so-and-so won at some other city. Instead, we get to watch a coach show us he's earned the right to be the head coach of the New York Islanders. A hungry team combined with a hungry coach.

What does that mean? There's a great chance he'll do a better job than any of the other candidates would have.

I can now say that I'm officially excited about this upcoming season for the Islanders. I know it's going to be pretty brutal - we'll be adding the phrase "growing pains" to our Islanders drinking game this season. But there's an optimism now that hasn't been here in some time. We're not staring at a perpetual chase for the eighth seed. We can now look toward the future as a tangible entity, not just the catalyst for more bad trades and rebuilding projects. That does a lot for the fanbase. It'll still take some work to get the casual fans back into the building, but as time progresses, the job will become easier.

It was so important that the Islanders did this right, which is why so many of us have tried to joke about it. Notice how Sparky The Dragon is the leading vote-getter in our poll for who would become the next Islanders' coach. As I've said to anyone who would listen, I'd sooner they went into December with an interim coach and gotten this right than have them hire a retread coach that they'd fire two years from now. This would qualify as getting it right.

Now, the work begins for Mr. Scott Gordon. The Islanders don't like to talk about this one too much, but it's true - with the exception of Al Arbour, no Islander coach has ever made it more than two consecutive seasons without being canned. Is Gordon the guy to change that trend? Let's hope so.

The NHL Network Drinking Game, Version 1.0

Truly, we are knee-deep in the dog days of summer.

Hockey is completely off the radar for many people. However, for those of us who want to keep it alive, it's a tough battle. We know better than to rely on ESPN for our sports news, but if we did, all we'd hear about are the Red Sox, the Yankees, and Brett Favre. Frankly, we've had enough. So we turn to the one ally that hasn't let us down yet - the NHL Network.

You thought I was going to say alcohol, didn't you? Well, you're in luck. We here at The Rivalry have got both bases covered. Stay cool with some frosty brews (we recommend Molson Ice) and some hockey action! What could be better? This drinking game is not necessarily designed to get you hammered, though you're more than welcome to actually play along if you'd like. Hey, anything's better than more Brett Favre news, right?

Enjoy!

Note: We chose not to create rules for the random playoff games they've been showing lately. Quite frankly, we can't in good conscience recommend watching Game 1 of some first-round series that didn't mean anything.

GENERAL RULES
These rules go for everything. The basics upon which the NHL Network is built.
- If your program is hosted by Dan Pollard - drink
- If your program is NOT hosted by Dan Pollard or Todd Lewis - check your listings; clearly, you aren't watching the NHL Network.
- If a Canadian team is prominently featured - drink
- If you're thrown off by the wrong feed (as in, you're expecting to hear Gary Thorne, but you hear Bob Cole instead) - chug
- If you catch an announcer being blatantly biased toward a Canadian team/player - drink
- If you catch an announcer categorizing a European as soft or lazy without a good reason - chug
- If the ticker on the bottom of the screen shows something that happened more than three days ago - chug
- If the program is clearly stalling for time (i.e. a Classic Series where the last segment has nothing to do with the series itself) - drink

NHL ON THE FLY
It's not currently airing... but those who watch it regularly during the season know it's the best NHL recap show out there.
- If the analyst is a coach that recently got fired - chug
- If an analyst is critiquing a player he coached/drafted - drink
- If the analyst awkwardly tries to take credit for that player's success - chug
- If you're watching a replay of On The Fly Final - take one drink for each time you've watched it already
- If you can tell the exact point in the intro when it switches from tonight's highlights to a pre-recorded package - chug
- If they play the other team's announcer's calls when showing your team's game - drink
- If the hosts trash your team - chug
- If there aren't any shootouts to recap at show's end - drink
- If the hosts are plugging a different game for "Our North American viewers" - drink

COMMERCIALS
Oh, boy... If you watch the NHL Network regularly, you probably want to kill yourself when these ads come on. But they're funny. Pick one that's "safe"; you're exempt from drinking during that ad. The rest, though, should have you blitzed in no time.
- If a commercial features Billy Mays, the patron saint of infomercials - chug
- If the commercial is a rather shady infomercial (My Free Laptop, etc.) - drink
- If it's a "Moment On Ice" - drink
- If you correctly guessed which "Moment On Ice" it was - chug
- Drink every time you hear the following phrases...
+ "Young Nathan has a rare blood disodda"
+ "It only takes about an ow-uh!"
+ "A little pahsta and a steak"
+ "There's no 'I' in hockey. Period."
+ "Government coupon pro-grum"
+ "The game has changed. So should the way you watch it."
+ "Hosted by" (as in, "Nobody cares who's hosting this crappy NHL DVD, but we're going to include it in the commercial anyway")
- Every time "The Coach" appears - drink
- If "The Coach" appears twice in a row - chug
- If someone recognizes "The Coach" from his bit role in "Tommy Boy" - chug
- If you've ever actually wondered why our sport isn't called puckey - kill the beer, then smash the bottle over your head
- If they show the ad about the digital converter boxes - drink
- If you find yourself wondering who would have this network (available on Cablevision only via a special package) and still be watching on an analog set - drink
- If the ad with the Stanley Cup being held by all the different players comes on - don't drink. Watch it and appreciate how awesome it is. Then take a long chug if you're convinced ESPN will rip this off for next year's NBA Finals and everyone will say how innovative it is.
- If one commercial is significantly louder than the others - drink
- If your spouse yells at you to turn the TV down because of that loud commercial - chug
- If a program ends with the "NHL Network" bumper ad and is followed immediately by an ad for the "Just Like Me" DVD - chug

NHL LIVE!
On hiatus until September 15th. Still, an awesome show.
- If you're watching the show on replay - drink - If E.J. Hradek isn't in the studio - drink
- If there's a cardboard cutout of E.J. in his place - chug
- If the cardboard cutout has been defaced in some way - chug again
- If the NHL Store looks empty - drink
- If you see someone make a purchase - drink
- If someone buys a jersey of a player who's no longer on that team - chug
- If Don trashes the media for treating the NHL unfairly - raise your bottle in agreement, then take a nice big swig
- If you ever catch Don (employed by ESPN Radio) or E.J. (employed by ESPN.com) on the verge of trashing ESPN, then think better of it and stop - drink
- If they actually go through with it - kill a beer
- If E.J. forgets who the day's hosts are - drink
- If a caller talks for more than a minute straight - drink
- If the hosts actually cut the caller off - chug

VINTAGE GAMES
The real shining star of the NHL Network. Enjoy the games of yesteryear while simultaneously enjoying some nice Canadian brew.
- If the game is in black and white - chug
- If there are no ads on the boards - drink
- If a goalie is wearing a Jason Voorhees mask - drink
- If a goalie is using an old waffle-style blocker - chug
- If the game is being played at an arena that doesn't exist anymore - drink
- If the arena still exists, but now has a corporate name - kill a beer
- Every time someone makes a remark about how much different the game looks (i.e. the goalie's equipment, the size of the players, the amount of open ice) - drink
- If a goalie lets in a particularly bad goal - drink
- If you can't tell which team is at home by the color of their uniforms because you aren't sure which color the home team wore during the game's time period - chug
- If a decent portion of the game is cut out with no explanation - chug
- If you see something that would be totally unacceptable today (i.e. a huge brawl, uncalled obstruction penalties) - drink
- If the game typifies the style of that era (i.e. a high-scoring game from the 80s, a snoozefest from the turn of the century) - drink

CLASSIC SERIES
Past playoff series, assembled for our viewing pleasure. Some are real duds; some truly are classics. All are to be enjoyed.
- If you already know what happens in the series - drink
- If it's a historically significant series (i.e. a Cup Final, Game 7 OT winner, etc.) - drink
- If a team tries changing their goalie to change their luck - drink
- If it actually works - kill a beer
- If a team's star player gets shut down - drink
- If the star player wakes up just in time to put the screws to the underdog - chug
- If an interview with the star player reveals that he "knew'd he'd start getting the bounces" - kill a beer
- If a coach complains to the media about the officiating - chug
- If a game ends with an overtime goal by a role player - drink
- If the series was a sweep - chug
- If a player picks up the conference championship trophy - kill a beer
- If they show the post-series handshake line - drink

EDIT: We forgot about the Top Ten. Whoops. That'll be covered in Version 2.0!

The New York Islanders Drinking Game, Version 1.0

Note: In no way is this an advocation of drinking, especially drinking and driving. This is just a great way to document the nuances of our Islanders, both in person and on TV. You don't have to drink to enjoy this one. However, if you're so inclined (and you're not driving), take a piece or two of this, grab some beers, and have fun!

PRE-GAME ON FSN NY
- If Billy Jaffe is staring somewhere besides the camera... 1 drink
- If Butch Goring looks like a leprechaun... 1 drink
- If Deb Kaufman talks out of one side of her mouth... 1 drink
- If there's a cheesy promotion going on that night... 2 drinks
- If the cheesy promotion played a factor in your decision to not attend the game... 5 drinks. Hey, you're not driving - enjoy yourself!
- HIP Injury Report... 1 drink
- GMC Goalie Matchup... 1 drink
- Any other sponsored items... 1 drink
- If Hockey Night NY Live! actually mentions the Islanders... 3 drinks
- If that mention is a tacked-on blurb during "Short Shifts"... 2 extra drinks

GAME
- If Wade Dubielewicz is starting... 2 drinks
- If Ted Nolan is wearing a hideous tie... 1 drink
- If Rick DiPietro unnecessarily touches the puck... 1 drink
- If you yell at Ricky to stay in the net... 3 drinks
- If the TV/scoreboard shows a close-up of Mike Sillinger, a.k.a. "The Pigeon"... 2 drinks
- If Mike Comrie passes up an open shot in favor of making a pass... 3 drinks
- If you find yourself saying out loud that the Islanders need a scorer... 2 drinks
- If you find yourself asking out loud when was the last time Satan/Fedotenko/Vasicek/just about anybody did anything of note... 1 drink for each player you consider
- If you find yourself wondering if Alexei Yashin is available, whether it be out loud or in private... chug the entire bottle
- If the Islanders have a ridiculously high number of shots but only one or two goals... 4 drinks
- If the Islanders let up a shorthanded goal... 3 drinks
- If the Islanders make yet another defensive blunder... 2 drinks
- If Brendan Witt leaves the ice in pain... 1 drink
- If the young guys are the only players who are actually doing anything... 2 drinks
- If a power play comes and goes without as much as a shot on goal... 4 drinks

BROADCAST STUFF
- Do you see in HD? If so, take 2 drinks to level the playing field.
- If Howie Rose makes you legitimately laugh... 2 drinks
- If Billy Jaffe sounds like a homer... 3 drinks
- If either Billy or Howie makes a bad segue... 3 drinks
- If either Billy or Howie breaks off a segue you still can't believe five minutes later... 5 drinks
- If they show that stupid Warren Wallace Geico commercial... 2 drinks each time
- If they show an ad you've already seen 500 times on the NHL Network... chug until you're satisfied. If you don't get the NHL Network, just be thankful you don't understand this one.
- Bring back family time with... a Panasonic Digital Replay! 2 drinks each time. Be careful with this one!
- Any other sponsored items... 1 drink for each
- If Billy and Howie talk about the Hummer Metro Ice Challenge like it actually means something... 2 drinks
- If the trivia question is something ridiculous... 2 drinks
- If Howie calls out producer Larry Roth for making up such a ridiculous question... 1 extra drink
- If you secretly wish they kept trivia statistics like the Rangers do... zero drinks. They really should.
- If Jiggs McDonald is filling in for Howie... 3 drinks
- If you find yourself marvelling over Jiggs' preparedness... 2 drinks
- If you find yourself praying for an Islanders goal just so you can hear him say "He scooooores!" one more time... 1 drink
- When that goal never comes... 10 drinks

INTERMISSION
(all applicable rules from the pre-game remain intact)
- If Deb Kaufman creepily smiles at the interviewee... 1 drink per second of creepy smiles
- If Deb Kaufman asks a stupid question... 2 drinks
- If the player doesn't address the question at all... 2 drinks
- If the player says "Um"... 1 drink per "Um"
- If the player makes eye contact with Deb... 1 drink per instance
- If the player uses cliches... 2 drinks per cliche
- If the previous period's highlights consist of a number of mediocre plays... 3 drinks

AT THE GAME
(all other rules apply)
- Everybody Clap Your Hands! 1 drink per each instance of this chant.
- If you secretly get excited for Billy Jaffe's Keys To The Game... 2 drinks
- If Jaffe asks for crowd participation in his Keys To The Game... 1 drink each time
- If C.J. Papa's intermission report makes you wish for a replay of Billy Jaffe's Keys To The Game... 3 drinks
- If you hear the words grit, character, and heart and immediately want to gag... 3 drinks
- If you're dumbfounded by the intro that plays on the scoreboard... take one drink for each minute you spend trying to figure out why Ted Nolan becomes a cop.
- If Sparky The Dragon pays a visit to your section... 2 drinks
- If you complain about how the people in the cheap seats never win any of the giveaways... 2 drinks
- If you're out of breath after climbing to your top-row seats... take as many drinks as necessary to get your wind back. It should take quite a few.
- If you were smart enough to eschew the $7 Bud Light in favor of the twice-as-big Labatt Blue for $7.25... take one drink to your good fortune.
- If you find yourself wishing you could buy pretzel twists at the supermarket... 2 drinks
- If you express regret for NYMEX for having sponsored the power play... 3 drinks
- If you think the question posed in the NYI Text Poll is the dumbest question ever asked... 4 drinks
- If the response to the NYI Text Poll makes you lose your faith in humanity... 3 drinks
- If the main reason you want the Islanders to win is so you can honk your designated driver's horn all the way down the Meadowbrook... no drinks necessary. That truly is the best part!