Beauty And The Moulson

It was only a matter of time before the Matt Moulson puff piece was written. This actually came out about a week and a half ago, but it was so horrendous I had to share it. No, there are no Molson Canadian beer puns in this one... but fear not, as some awful wordplay still awaits you! By the way, sorry if the font jumps around in size a bit - you can blame ESPN.com's cracked web staff for that.

ST. LOUIS --

Ooh, look at me! I get to write an article from the road, and YOU don't!

At the risk of offending Linda Hamilton and the entire Moulson family and that furry guy in the old television series (Ron Perlman)

Anyone have any idea what this means? Me either. But I'm sure it'd make sense if I were like 30 years older.

and maybe even John Tavares, there is more than a little beauty-and-beast action with the New York Islanders' dynamic duo of top rookie Tavares and out-of-nowhere winger Matt Moulson.

Beauty-and-beast? Dynamic duo? Asinine alliteration? The books I read my 19-month-old daughter feature more clever wordplay.

But put it this way: Moulson, the hitherto anonymous 26-year-old winger who quickly has become the cheese to Tavares' macaroni through the first quarter of this surprising season for the Islanders, was drafted in the ninth round of the 2003 draft, 263rd overall.

There are 43 words in this sentence. I'll sum them up in four - Matt Moulson was unheralded.

They don't even have a ninth round anymore. GMs figured it was better to pack up early and go golfing or head to a bar than stick around and draft players in the ninth round.

Or, the eighth and ninth rounds of the draft were lopped off after the lockout because GMs had like a week to prepare for the draft once the lockout ended. Or the owners didn't to be stuck paying two extra draft picks. Either way, I'm sure it had nothing to do with golfing or drinking. By the way, Mark Streit was a 9th round selection of Montreal in 2004, meaning the Islanders probably have more 9th round draft picks on their active roster than any other team in history.

Does Moulson, who has 18 points, including five multipoint efforts, through the Islanders' first 23 games, get tired of being treated like the hockey guy who fell to Earth?

He laughed.

"It doesn't really bother me," he told ESPN.com. "I'm here now in the NHL. I guess I have an interesting story to tell. It's always interesting for people to find out things like that and maybe a good story for some younger kids."

See, this is why we don't go the route of some of our Blog Box colleagues and actually talk to the players. They do a good job with it. We can't. Why? Because hockey players are BORING. Sorry to say it, but it's true. What was Moulson supposed to say here? "I'm tired of being treated like the hockey guy who fell to Earth"? Furthermore, what does that even mean? Did Moulson arrive in a UFO? My head hurts now.

Indeed, an apprehensive Moulson was in regular touch with agent Wade Arnott as the July free-agency period approached and his contract with the Los Angeles Kings expired. "I was bugging him every day, 'Where do you think I'm going to end up?'" Moulson said.

I'm sure Wade Arnott was like, "Who's this Moulson guy who keeps calling me every day?".

Tavares was among the first people Moulson called when his deal was completed during that first week of free agency.

"I was right on the phone to Johnny, and it was a pretty good moment," Moulson said. "I still didn't know what was going to come of it, but I was excited."

I distinctly recall reading about the Moulson signing and loudly exclaiming the following words - "Who the hell is Matt Moulson?". So did every single Islanders fan out there - even the ones who *knew* he'd work out from the moment he signed the contract.

"Matt was a guy that I knew from my days in Providence when he was playing in Manchester. I thought he had the ability to score. But I went back and I watched some of the goals in the NHL, which were goal scorer-type goals, and as it turned out through exhibition, he was our leading goal scorer," Gordon told ESPN.com.

Yes, because scoring goals in exhibition games guarantees success in the regular season. You know who led the league in points during the pre-season? Former Islander Mike Comrie, he of the eight points in 16 regular season games. But I'm sure he'll rebound in plenty of time to win the Hart and Art Ross Trophies, even if he's got mono right now.

"The thing that's good about Matt is if he's not scoring from the tops of the circle, he's scoring from the front of the net. That ability to score from two different places, you're talking about two different types of players. Some guys don't like to go into traffic. But the fact he was willing to do that, I thought it would be a good complement for John."

Truer words have never been spoken. And by "truer words", I mean "cliches that apply to virtually every forward in the NHL".

And?

"We didn't have a lot of options," Gordon added.

That's more like it.

"Actually, when people kept cutting down my skating, cutting down my skating, Mike O'Connell, when he was with L.A., he told me to look at a player named Andrew Brunette," Moulson said, crediting the former Bruins GM who is now with the Kings' player-development staff.

"I used to tape all his games and watch them and watch what he did," Moulson said. "[Brunette] may not be the fastest guy out there, but he's great at protecting the puck and making plays around the net and getting to the net. He was up and down in the AHL as well starting his career, and he's made a pretty good player of himself and pretty good name for himself in this league. He's someone I followed closely."
Okay, this is actually something useful. This is something I didn't know and is nice to hear. It makes infinitely more sense to emulate a guy like Brunette than a superstar. But nobody does it, because you never see the grinders on SportsCenter. Oh, wait, you never see the superstars of the NHL on SportsCenter, either.

This week Moulson met his guide, who of course had no idea he'd had any impact whatsoever on his career.

"He gave me a stick last night," Moulson said happily.

You mean Brunette stuck him, as in speared him?
ZOMG! ROFLMAO!

"No, no, he signed a stick and gave it to me last night. I got it this morning," Moulson said.
Oh. See, hockey players ARE boring.

"I got it this morning, and I had a grin from ear to ear. I told him he was one of my favorite players."
I'm sure Andrew Brunette has never been referred to as "one of my favorite players" by anybody outside of the Brunette family and Matt Moulson.

"I told him when he made the team out of camp, 'Treat every day like it's your last, because you don't know,'" Gordon said. "'You battled high odds to make the team, but that doesn't mean tomorrow won't be a different day. You have to prove everybody right that we made the right decision every single day.'"

That's right, Scott Gordon. Matt Moulson's singular focus over his first 27 games has been to prove to everybody that Garth Snow is a genius. As opposed to, you know, proving that he's actually a pretty good player. Moulson, that is, not Snow. We all know Snow could never make it in the post-lockout NHL.

"It seems funny from where I started from until now. I get two goals against Boston [Monday night], and I'm upset because I wanted a third one. I'm not disappointed but wanting more after that. Coming from where I came from, I never thought I'd be wanting more after a two-goal game in the NHL."
If I had a two-goal game in the NHL, I'd be wanting more. But it'd probably involve sexual favors, as opposed to a third goal.

Beautiful.
The first few times I read this, I thought to myself, "That's an odd way to end this piece." Eventually, I realized it was a play on the copious beauty-and-the-beast analogies found in the article, many of which I edited out for the benefit of your sanity. I still have no proof of any beast-like tendencies in Matt Moulson, or Andrew Brunette, for that matter. So, you know, hooray for Matt Moulson and all that.