Why the Rangers Lost...

Why the Rangers lost last night in Chicago was actually an event 20 years in the making.

You see, on a cold December morning in Lloydminster, Saskatchewan, Canada, while the rest of the young hockey team was learning how to throw body checks, a 12-year old Wade Redden was having his first period.

His parents, who had woken up at 5 in the morning to drive him to play with his team, instead had to drive him to the gynecologists office to look at why their preteen son was such a pussy.

Fast forward to 1995, and 18-year old Wade had become the first woman ever drafted into the NHL. His family cried, and the Islanders were questioned, but stood their ground. (Six months later, when they realized he could never throw a body check, he was traded to Ottawa for Bryan Berard and Martin Straka.)

It is now 2009, and with a snowy Chicago as the backdrop, Marian Hossa was standing in the crease between Henrik Lundqvist and Mr and Mrs. Redden's daughter, Wade. A slew of Chicago players were pounding at the puck and Lundqvist, and the younger Redden daughter was content standing behind Hossa. His one defense mechanism - pushing Hossa once with his stick.

Well, her decision to go to the gynecologist to learn how to use tampons instead of learning how to throw checks and clear the crease sunk the Rangers again. Hossa, unfettered in an area of the ice he never should have been allowed to enter anyway, kept Redden away from doing anything to stop him or Jonathan Toews from putting the puck past Lundqvist.

Game tied with 6 minutes left.

That's one minute for every million dollars Madame Redden is being paid this year to not hit, not clear the crease, not play defense.