Truly, we are knee-deep in the dog days of summer.
Hockey is completely off the radar for many people. However, for those of us who want to keep it alive, it's a tough battle. We know better than to rely on ESPN for our sports news, but if we did, all we'd hear about are the Red Sox, the Yankees, and Brett Favre. Frankly, we've had enough. So we turn to the one ally that hasn't let us down yet - the NHL Network.
You thought I was going to say alcohol, didn't you? Well, you're in luck. We here at The Rivalry have got both bases covered. Stay cool with some frosty brews (we recommend Molson Ice) and some hockey action! What could be better? This drinking game is not necessarily designed to get you hammered, though you're more than welcome to actually play along if you'd like. Hey, anything's better than more Brett Favre news, right?
Enjoy!
Note: We chose not to create rules for the random playoff games they've been showing lately. Quite frankly, we can't in good conscience recommend watching Game 1 of some first-round series that didn't mean anything.
GENERAL RULES
These rules go for everything. The basics upon which the NHL Network is built.
- If your program is hosted by Dan Pollard - drink
- If your program is NOT hosted by Dan Pollard or Todd Lewis - check your listings; clearly, you aren't watching the NHL Network.
- If a Canadian team is prominently featured - drink
- If you're thrown off by the wrong feed (as in, you're expecting to hear Gary Thorne, but you hear Bob Cole instead) - chug
- If you catch an announcer being blatantly biased toward a Canadian team/player - drink
- If you catch an announcer categorizing a European as soft or lazy without a good reason - chug
- If the ticker on the bottom of the screen shows something that happened more than three days ago - chug
- If the program is clearly stalling for time (i.e. a Classic Series where the last segment has nothing to do with the series itself) - drink
NHL ON THE FLY
It's not currently airing... but those who watch it regularly during the season know it's the best NHL recap show out there.
- If the analyst is a coach that recently got fired - chug
- If an analyst is critiquing a player he coached/drafted - drink
- If the analyst awkwardly tries to take credit for that player's success - chug
- If you're watching a replay of On The Fly Final - take one drink for each time you've watched it already
- If you can tell the exact point in the intro when it switches from tonight's highlights to a pre-recorded package - chug
- If they play the other team's announcer's calls when showing your team's game - drink
- If the hosts trash your team - chug
- If there aren't any shootouts to recap at show's end - drink
- If the hosts are plugging a different game for "Our North American viewers" - drink
COMMERCIALS
Oh, boy... If you watch the NHL Network regularly, you probably want to kill yourself when these ads come on. But they're funny. Pick one that's "safe"; you're exempt from drinking during that ad. The rest, though, should have you blitzed in no time.
- If a commercial features Billy Mays, the patron saint of infomercials - chug
- If the commercial is a rather shady infomercial (My Free Laptop, etc.) - drink
- If it's a "Moment On Ice" - drink
- If you correctly guessed which "Moment On Ice" it was - chug
- Drink every time you hear the following phrases...
+ "Young Nathan has a rare blood disodda"
+ "It only takes about an ow-uh!"
+ "A little pahsta and a steak"
+ "There's no 'I' in hockey. Period."
+ "Government coupon pro-grum"
+ "The game has changed. So should the way you watch it."
+ "Hosted by" (as in, "Nobody cares who's hosting this crappy NHL DVD, but we're going to include it in the commercial anyway")
- Every time "The Coach" appears - drink
- If "The Coach" appears twice in a row - chug
- If someone recognizes "The Coach" from his bit role in "Tommy Boy" - chug
- If you've ever actually wondered why our sport isn't called puckey - kill the beer, then smash the bottle over your head
- If they show the ad about the digital converter boxes - drink
- If you find yourself wondering who would have this network (available on Cablevision only via a special package) and still be watching on an analog set - drink
- If the ad with the Stanley Cup being held by all the different players comes on - don't drink. Watch it and appreciate how awesome it is. Then take a long chug if you're convinced ESPN will rip this off for next year's NBA Finals and everyone will say how innovative it is.
- If one commercial is significantly louder than the others - drink
- If your spouse yells at you to turn the TV down because of that loud commercial - chug
- If a program ends with the "NHL Network" bumper ad and is followed immediately by an ad for the "Just Like Me" DVD - chug
NHL LIVE!
On hiatus until September 15th. Still, an awesome show.
- If you're watching the show on replay - drink - If E.J. Hradek isn't in the studio - drink
- If there's a cardboard cutout of E.J. in his place - chug
- If the cardboard cutout has been defaced in some way - chug again
- If the NHL Store looks empty - drink
- If you see someone make a purchase - drink
- If someone buys a jersey of a player who's no longer on that team - chug
- If Don trashes the media for treating the NHL unfairly - raise your bottle in agreement, then take a nice big swig
- If you ever catch Don (employed by ESPN Radio) or E.J. (employed by ESPN.com) on the verge of trashing ESPN, then think better of it and stop - drink
- If they actually go through with it - kill a beer
- If E.J. forgets who the day's hosts are - drink
- If a caller talks for more than a minute straight - drink
- If the hosts actually cut the caller off - chug
VINTAGE GAMES
The real shining star of the NHL Network. Enjoy the games of yesteryear while simultaneously enjoying some nice Canadian brew.
- If the game is in black and white - chug
- If there are no ads on the boards - drink
- If a goalie is wearing a Jason Voorhees mask - drink
- If a goalie is using an old waffle-style blocker - chug
- If the game is being played at an arena that doesn't exist anymore - drink
- If the arena still exists, but now has a corporate name - kill a beer
- Every time someone makes a remark about how much different the game looks (i.e. the goalie's equipment, the size of the players, the amount of open ice) - drink
- If a goalie lets in a particularly bad goal - drink
- If you can't tell which team is at home by the color of their uniforms because you aren't sure which color the home team wore during the game's time period - chug
- If a decent portion of the game is cut out with no explanation - chug
- If you see something that would be totally unacceptable today (i.e. a huge brawl, uncalled obstruction penalties) - drink
- If the game typifies the style of that era (i.e. a high-scoring game from the 80s, a snoozefest from the turn of the century) - drink
CLASSIC SERIES
Past playoff series, assembled for our viewing pleasure. Some are real duds; some truly are classics. All are to be enjoyed.
- If you already know what happens in the series - drink
- If it's a historically significant series (i.e. a Cup Final, Game 7 OT winner, etc.) - drink
- If a team tries changing their goalie to change their luck - drink
- If it actually works - kill a beer
- If a team's star player gets shut down - drink
- If the star player wakes up just in time to put the screws to the underdog - chug
- If an interview with the star player reveals that he "knew'd he'd start getting the bounces" - kill a beer
- If a coach complains to the media about the officiating - chug
- If a game ends with an overtime goal by a role player - drink
- If the series was a sweep - chug
- If a player picks up the conference championship trophy - kill a beer
- If they show the post-series handshake line - drink
Hockey is completely off the radar for many people. However, for those of us who want to keep it alive, it's a tough battle. We know better than to rely on ESPN for our sports news, but if we did, all we'd hear about are the Red Sox, the Yankees, and Brett Favre. Frankly, we've had enough. So we turn to the one ally that hasn't let us down yet - the NHL Network.
You thought I was going to say alcohol, didn't you? Well, you're in luck. We here at The Rivalry have got both bases covered. Stay cool with some frosty brews (we recommend Molson Ice) and some hockey action! What could be better? This drinking game is not necessarily designed to get you hammered, though you're more than welcome to actually play along if you'd like. Hey, anything's better than more Brett Favre news, right?
Enjoy!
Note: We chose not to create rules for the random playoff games they've been showing lately. Quite frankly, we can't in good conscience recommend watching Game 1 of some first-round series that didn't mean anything.
GENERAL RULES
These rules go for everything. The basics upon which the NHL Network is built.
- If your program is hosted by Dan Pollard - drink
- If your program is NOT hosted by Dan Pollard or Todd Lewis - check your listings; clearly, you aren't watching the NHL Network.
- If a Canadian team is prominently featured - drink
- If you're thrown off by the wrong feed (as in, you're expecting to hear Gary Thorne, but you hear Bob Cole instead) - chug
- If you catch an announcer being blatantly biased toward a Canadian team/player - drink
- If you catch an announcer categorizing a European as soft or lazy without a good reason - chug
- If the ticker on the bottom of the screen shows something that happened more than three days ago - chug
- If the program is clearly stalling for time (i.e. a Classic Series where the last segment has nothing to do with the series itself) - drink
NHL ON THE FLY
It's not currently airing... but those who watch it regularly during the season know it's the best NHL recap show out there.
- If the analyst is a coach that recently got fired - chug
- If an analyst is critiquing a player he coached/drafted - drink
- If the analyst awkwardly tries to take credit for that player's success - chug
- If you're watching a replay of On The Fly Final - take one drink for each time you've watched it already
- If you can tell the exact point in the intro when it switches from tonight's highlights to a pre-recorded package - chug
- If they play the other team's announcer's calls when showing your team's game - drink
- If the hosts trash your team - chug
- If there aren't any shootouts to recap at show's end - drink
- If the hosts are plugging a different game for "Our North American viewers" - drink
COMMERCIALS
Oh, boy... If you watch the NHL Network regularly, you probably want to kill yourself when these ads come on. But they're funny. Pick one that's "safe"; you're exempt from drinking during that ad. The rest, though, should have you blitzed in no time.
- If a commercial features Billy Mays, the patron saint of infomercials - chug
- If the commercial is a rather shady infomercial (My Free Laptop, etc.) - drink
- If it's a "Moment On Ice" - drink
- If you correctly guessed which "Moment On Ice" it was - chug
- Drink every time you hear the following phrases...
+ "Young Nathan has a rare blood disodda"
+ "It only takes about an ow-uh!"
+ "A little pahsta and a steak"
+ "There's no 'I' in hockey. Period."
+ "Government coupon pro-grum"
+ "The game has changed. So should the way you watch it."
+ "Hosted by" (as in, "Nobody cares who's hosting this crappy NHL DVD, but we're going to include it in the commercial anyway")
- Every time "The Coach" appears - drink
- If "The Coach" appears twice in a row - chug
- If someone recognizes "The Coach" from his bit role in "Tommy Boy" - chug
- If you've ever actually wondered why our sport isn't called puckey - kill the beer, then smash the bottle over your head
- If they show the ad about the digital converter boxes - drink
- If you find yourself wondering who would have this network (available on Cablevision only via a special package) and still be watching on an analog set - drink
- If the ad with the Stanley Cup being held by all the different players comes on - don't drink. Watch it and appreciate how awesome it is. Then take a long chug if you're convinced ESPN will rip this off for next year's NBA Finals and everyone will say how innovative it is.
- If one commercial is significantly louder than the others - drink
- If your spouse yells at you to turn the TV down because of that loud commercial - chug
- If a program ends with the "NHL Network" bumper ad and is followed immediately by an ad for the "Just Like Me" DVD - chug
NHL LIVE!
On hiatus until September 15th. Still, an awesome show.
- If you're watching the show on replay - drink - If E.J. Hradek isn't in the studio - drink
- If there's a cardboard cutout of E.J. in his place - chug
- If the cardboard cutout has been defaced in some way - chug again
- If the NHL Store looks empty - drink
- If you see someone make a purchase - drink
- If someone buys a jersey of a player who's no longer on that team - chug
- If Don trashes the media for treating the NHL unfairly - raise your bottle in agreement, then take a nice big swig
- If you ever catch Don (employed by ESPN Radio) or E.J. (employed by ESPN.com) on the verge of trashing ESPN, then think better of it and stop - drink
- If they actually go through with it - kill a beer
- If E.J. forgets who the day's hosts are - drink
- If a caller talks for more than a minute straight - drink
- If the hosts actually cut the caller off - chug
VINTAGE GAMES
The real shining star of the NHL Network. Enjoy the games of yesteryear while simultaneously enjoying some nice Canadian brew.
- If the game is in black and white - chug
- If there are no ads on the boards - drink
- If a goalie is wearing a Jason Voorhees mask - drink
- If a goalie is using an old waffle-style blocker - chug
- If the game is being played at an arena that doesn't exist anymore - drink
- If the arena still exists, but now has a corporate name - kill a beer
- Every time someone makes a remark about how much different the game looks (i.e. the goalie's equipment, the size of the players, the amount of open ice) - drink
- If a goalie lets in a particularly bad goal - drink
- If you can't tell which team is at home by the color of their uniforms because you aren't sure which color the home team wore during the game's time period - chug
- If a decent portion of the game is cut out with no explanation - chug
- If you see something that would be totally unacceptable today (i.e. a huge brawl, uncalled obstruction penalties) - drink
- If the game typifies the style of that era (i.e. a high-scoring game from the 80s, a snoozefest from the turn of the century) - drink
CLASSIC SERIES
Past playoff series, assembled for our viewing pleasure. Some are real duds; some truly are classics. All are to be enjoyed.
- If you already know what happens in the series - drink
- If it's a historically significant series (i.e. a Cup Final, Game 7 OT winner, etc.) - drink
- If a team tries changing their goalie to change their luck - drink
- If it actually works - kill a beer
- If a team's star player gets shut down - drink
- If the star player wakes up just in time to put the screws to the underdog - chug
- If an interview with the star player reveals that he "knew'd he'd start getting the bounces" - kill a beer
- If a coach complains to the media about the officiating - chug
- If a game ends with an overtime goal by a role player - drink
- If the series was a sweep - chug
- If a player picks up the conference championship trophy - kill a beer
- If they show the post-series handshake line - drink
EDIT: We forgot about the Top Ten. Whoops. That'll be covered in Version 2.0!
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