When the Islanders defeated the Penguins on May 14, 1993, I was extra careful to remember the date. It was the cap on the as-yet-unnamed "Miracle of '93"; David Volek's overtime goal completed the Islanders' unfathomable upset of the defending champions. Little did I know that this would be the pinnacle of my sports-watching life to this point.
Channeling my inner Bill Simmons, I'd like to pass along a few words of wisdom to the Bryan of fifteen years ago. I'd like to tell him to enjoy the game - and to be careful about what the future has in store.
Bryan,
I hope this letter found you safe and sound. You should be on the bus right now, heading home from your Academic Enrichment Program trip to Mt. Tone. Knowing you, there's only one thing on your mind right now - getting home to see Game 7 of Islanders-Penguins. Don't worry about running late; you'll get home just in time. I'd strongly advise you not to miss a second of this game for one very important reason - it will be the greatest sports moment of your life.
After this game is over, a lot is going to change for you. Yeah, you'll still get made fun of at school, but you'll turn out okay. As for hockey? Well, that's a different story.
Remember how the cafeteria erupted yesterday morning when Mr. Aronowitz announced that the Islanders won Game 6 by a score of 7-5? Well, that's not going to be happening in the future. Not because of anything the Islanders will or won't do - we'll get to them later - but because hockey will be an afterthought pretty soon. Slowly but surely, goalies will morph into beasts twice their original sizes. This development, in conjunction with something you'll soon know as the "neutral zone trap", will essentially kill the game. In a year and a half, the league is going to cancel the first half of the season; ten years from then, a whole entire season will be wiped out. All of these things you don't care about - free agency, TV ratings, salary caps - are going to ruin the game you love and take it away from you. Worse, you'll be the only one you know who misses hockey.
Sorry to say it, but even though it'll upset you, it won't affect you as much as you might think. You know how you always say you'd hold out if the Rangers drafted you? Well, that won't be a problem, and it's not because the Islanders signed you on your 18th birthday. You could hardly crack the roster of your high school roller hockey team, let alone an NHL franchise. In fact, the closest you ever came to the Stanley Cup was when you won the Cup in NHL Hockey for Sega Genesis. You'll be happy to know that they're still making NHL Hockey games today, and that they're better than ever. These are the games that keep you young, because time isn't doing that great a job.
(Side note: You think Mortal Kombat is awesome? Wait for the sequel.)
Anyway, let's get back to the task at hand - Game 7. Excited, eh? Nervous? You should be. This is the first time you've seen the Islanders in a Game 7. Well, without giving too much away, you're not going to be disappointed.
The real reason I'm writing is that you're going to see everything change after this game is over. Think of it as puberty for a sports fan. After this, nothing is going to come easy. Nothing will shock you. You'll be completely numb to the pain sports inflict on people, and you'll be a much worse person for it. Sorry to say it, but it's true.
- You know Kevin Stevens on the Penguins? Well, in the first period of tomorrow's game, he's going to suffer an awful injury. He will never be the same player, will develop a serious crack habit, and will leave the game with a whimper instead of being inducted into the Hockey Hall Of Fame. Speaking of the Hall, this Penguins team has four guys that will make the Hall Of Fame (Mario Lemieux, Ron Francis, Joe Mullen, Larry Murphy) and one that will when he retires (Jaromir Jagr).
- You like Glenn Healy and Mark Fitzpatrick? I know you do. They'll both be gone in months to make room for Ron "Five-Hole" Hextall. You might not know what "Five-Hole" means... you will soon. This will eventually turn into a revolving door of goaltenders for the next decade until 2006, at which time the new Islanders owner will give a guy named Rick DiPietro a 15-year deal. Crazy, huh?
- How about Ray Ferraro, Patrick Flatley, Vladimir Malakhov, Darius Kasparaitis, and Rich Pilon? You love them all now... but they'll all play for the Rangers at some point in their careers. Even your favorite non-Islanders - Wayne Gretzky, Luc Robitaille, and Pat LaFontaine - will all play for the Rangers. Those same Rangers, by the way, will destroy the Islanders in next year's playoffs and win their first Stanley Cup in 54 years. See, I told you the future wouldn't be pretty.
- You know that Pierre Turgeon jersey you have in your closet? Make sure you wear it as often as you can. In two years, Turgeon will be traded for a player whose legacy in an Islanders uniform will be that he was paid to not play for the Isles. Speaking of Islanders uniforms, your team is going to unveil a horrid new design with the Gorton's Fisherman as the centerpiece. Don't buy one - they won't be around for very long.
- You probably don't know this yet, but the Islanders have drafted pretty well over the past few years. Many people are going to predict another dynasty for your beloved Islanders. Well, it's not going to happen. Not only are the Islanders going to miss the playoffs for eight straight years, a guy named Mike Milbury is going to take over the team and trade all of these prospects away for a bucket of hockey pucks. Also, a Mr. John Spano will somehow manage to buy the club without even having any money. He's just one person who will buy the team and sink it further into the ground. When someone named Charles Wang comes along, you'll know you're in the clear.
It's not just the Islanders that are going to break your heart. It's everyone else, too. Below are some spoilers - feel free to avoid them, but remember that you'll eventually be hurt by all of your favorite teams.
- While the Rangers are in the process of winning the Cup next year, the Knicks are going to make a run at the NBA title after Michael Jordan retires. You read that right. On the night of Game 5, you'll be watching the game at John's house, only to find that the camera is focused on O.J. Simpson driving after killing his wife. You read that right, too. Anyway, the Knicks will get to Game 7, only John Starks will blow the whole thing by shooting 2-for-18 on the night.
- You probably know by now that the Jets only serve to let you down. Well, you're right. Next year, you're going to be thinking big things, only to see everything fall apart after a play that will become known as "The Fake Spike". You'll also see them fumble away a chance to play in the Super Bowl and miss two would-be game-winning field goals in the playoffs. Oh, and here's one you're not going to believe - Browning Nagle isn't the quarterback of the future.
- The Mets gave you the only championship you actually remember, but that's not going to stop them from breaking your heart in the future. Dwight Gooden and Darryl Strawberry, your idols growing up, are going to join the Yankees and win a World Series. By the time you get to my age, you'll have seen the Yankees play in six World Series. One of them will be against the Mets. The Mets will actually get into the playoffs a number of times, thanks to something known as the "Wild Card". You'll know all about that soon enough. Here are some things you might not want to know about - you'll lose in the playoffs in each of those years in soul-crushing fashion. I'm not even going to bring up that the Mets will author the biggest collapse in baseball history under your watch.
So, having said all that, watch tonight's game intently. Enjoy it for what it is. Notice the amount of space on the ice, knowing you'll never see it again. Notice the spacious nets and realize that they will soon be clogged by oversized players and oversized pads. Enjoy the SportsChannel telecast and try to avoid the fact that fifteen years from now, television ratings will run the sporting world.
When the game is over, if you feel like yelling and screaming, do it. When Mom and Dad yell at you, don't listen. Remember, tonight is going to be special. Again, not trying to give anything away... but fifteen years later, you still have your 1993 Patrick Division Champions t-shirt.
Sincerely,
Bryan
Channeling my inner Bill Simmons, I'd like to pass along a few words of wisdom to the Bryan of fifteen years ago. I'd like to tell him to enjoy the game - and to be careful about what the future has in store.
Bryan,
I hope this letter found you safe and sound. You should be on the bus right now, heading home from your Academic Enrichment Program trip to Mt. Tone. Knowing you, there's only one thing on your mind right now - getting home to see Game 7 of Islanders-Penguins. Don't worry about running late; you'll get home just in time. I'd strongly advise you not to miss a second of this game for one very important reason - it will be the greatest sports moment of your life.
After this game is over, a lot is going to change for you. Yeah, you'll still get made fun of at school, but you'll turn out okay. As for hockey? Well, that's a different story.
Remember how the cafeteria erupted yesterday morning when Mr. Aronowitz announced that the Islanders won Game 6 by a score of 7-5? Well, that's not going to be happening in the future. Not because of anything the Islanders will or won't do - we'll get to them later - but because hockey will be an afterthought pretty soon. Slowly but surely, goalies will morph into beasts twice their original sizes. This development, in conjunction with something you'll soon know as the "neutral zone trap", will essentially kill the game. In a year and a half, the league is going to cancel the first half of the season; ten years from then, a whole entire season will be wiped out. All of these things you don't care about - free agency, TV ratings, salary caps - are going to ruin the game you love and take it away from you. Worse, you'll be the only one you know who misses hockey.
Sorry to say it, but even though it'll upset you, it won't affect you as much as you might think. You know how you always say you'd hold out if the Rangers drafted you? Well, that won't be a problem, and it's not because the Islanders signed you on your 18th birthday. You could hardly crack the roster of your high school roller hockey team, let alone an NHL franchise. In fact, the closest you ever came to the Stanley Cup was when you won the Cup in NHL Hockey for Sega Genesis. You'll be happy to know that they're still making NHL Hockey games today, and that they're better than ever. These are the games that keep you young, because time isn't doing that great a job.
(Side note: You think Mortal Kombat is awesome? Wait for the sequel.)
Anyway, let's get back to the task at hand - Game 7. Excited, eh? Nervous? You should be. This is the first time you've seen the Islanders in a Game 7. Well, without giving too much away, you're not going to be disappointed.
The real reason I'm writing is that you're going to see everything change after this game is over. Think of it as puberty for a sports fan. After this, nothing is going to come easy. Nothing will shock you. You'll be completely numb to the pain sports inflict on people, and you'll be a much worse person for it. Sorry to say it, but it's true.
- You know Kevin Stevens on the Penguins? Well, in the first period of tomorrow's game, he's going to suffer an awful injury. He will never be the same player, will develop a serious crack habit, and will leave the game with a whimper instead of being inducted into the Hockey Hall Of Fame. Speaking of the Hall, this Penguins team has four guys that will make the Hall Of Fame (Mario Lemieux, Ron Francis, Joe Mullen, Larry Murphy) and one that will when he retires (Jaromir Jagr).
- You like Glenn Healy and Mark Fitzpatrick? I know you do. They'll both be gone in months to make room for Ron "Five-Hole" Hextall. You might not know what "Five-Hole" means... you will soon. This will eventually turn into a revolving door of goaltenders for the next decade until 2006, at which time the new Islanders owner will give a guy named Rick DiPietro a 15-year deal. Crazy, huh?
- How about Ray Ferraro, Patrick Flatley, Vladimir Malakhov, Darius Kasparaitis, and Rich Pilon? You love them all now... but they'll all play for the Rangers at some point in their careers. Even your favorite non-Islanders - Wayne Gretzky, Luc Robitaille, and Pat LaFontaine - will all play for the Rangers. Those same Rangers, by the way, will destroy the Islanders in next year's playoffs and win their first Stanley Cup in 54 years. See, I told you the future wouldn't be pretty.
- You know that Pierre Turgeon jersey you have in your closet? Make sure you wear it as often as you can. In two years, Turgeon will be traded for a player whose legacy in an Islanders uniform will be that he was paid to not play for the Isles. Speaking of Islanders uniforms, your team is going to unveil a horrid new design with the Gorton's Fisherman as the centerpiece. Don't buy one - they won't be around for very long.
- You probably don't know this yet, but the Islanders have drafted pretty well over the past few years. Many people are going to predict another dynasty for your beloved Islanders. Well, it's not going to happen. Not only are the Islanders going to miss the playoffs for eight straight years, a guy named Mike Milbury is going to take over the team and trade all of these prospects away for a bucket of hockey pucks. Also, a Mr. John Spano will somehow manage to buy the club without even having any money. He's just one person who will buy the team and sink it further into the ground. When someone named Charles Wang comes along, you'll know you're in the clear.
It's not just the Islanders that are going to break your heart. It's everyone else, too. Below are some spoilers - feel free to avoid them, but remember that you'll eventually be hurt by all of your favorite teams.
- While the Rangers are in the process of winning the Cup next year, the Knicks are going to make a run at the NBA title after Michael Jordan retires. You read that right. On the night of Game 5, you'll be watching the game at John's house, only to find that the camera is focused on O.J. Simpson driving after killing his wife. You read that right, too. Anyway, the Knicks will get to Game 7, only John Starks will blow the whole thing by shooting 2-for-18 on the night.
- You probably know by now that the Jets only serve to let you down. Well, you're right. Next year, you're going to be thinking big things, only to see everything fall apart after a play that will become known as "The Fake Spike". You'll also see them fumble away a chance to play in the Super Bowl and miss two would-be game-winning field goals in the playoffs. Oh, and here's one you're not going to believe - Browning Nagle isn't the quarterback of the future.
- The Mets gave you the only championship you actually remember, but that's not going to stop them from breaking your heart in the future. Dwight Gooden and Darryl Strawberry, your idols growing up, are going to join the Yankees and win a World Series. By the time you get to my age, you'll have seen the Yankees play in six World Series. One of them will be against the Mets. The Mets will actually get into the playoffs a number of times, thanks to something known as the "Wild Card". You'll know all about that soon enough. Here are some things you might not want to know about - you'll lose in the playoffs in each of those years in soul-crushing fashion. I'm not even going to bring up that the Mets will author the biggest collapse in baseball history under your watch.
So, having said all that, watch tonight's game intently. Enjoy it for what it is. Notice the amount of space on the ice, knowing you'll never see it again. Notice the spacious nets and realize that they will soon be clogged by oversized players and oversized pads. Enjoy the SportsChannel telecast and try to avoid the fact that fifteen years from now, television ratings will run the sporting world.
When the game is over, if you feel like yelling and screaming, do it. When Mom and Dad yell at you, don't listen. Remember, tonight is going to be special. Again, not trying to give anything away... but fifteen years later, you still have your 1993 Patrick Division Champions t-shirt.
Sincerely,
Bryan
Bravo Mr. Berg
ReplyDeleteThough you forgot to mention:
That Isiah Thomas will destroy the collective morale of every New Yorker for five years.
That Joe Namath will destroy his own image.
And that as New Yorkers we all envy Boston Sports
that was fantastic, great job!
ReplyDelete